Cute as a Kitten and Armed to the Teeth.

She's a bitter, biting cold, she is- and what great comfort I find in her. Pulling the hood back from around my face she at once flatters me with compliments and assures me one can be honest with God. I think about this; she flirts with hope and dances away under the flickering streetlights (they do this as if struggling for one last breath before dying). The tension had been tolerable under her mediation, but now it was just me and God just standing there, arms folded, refusing to speak until the little, lost and trembling lamb's lip bled.

Grievances suddenly echoed out in the street like shots being fired off and damn! if it didn't feel good. After all, he never complained, really. Right? Mostly he volunteered, rather, for whatever punishment could be doled out- chances were that he had earned it- if not for this than for some other past or future iniquity. Early on he had learned never to trust a hope; now he knew that cynicism could keep him well insulated from that bitter, biting cold she is. Inherited ideology spawned an elusive idealism, visiting the shadows to emerge as an enduring skepticism and eventually: nothing.

A half-answered prayer keeps him warm for the night; the timing was an especially nice touch and it had him smiling, but...

Whatever came in the morning, it wasn't joy.

A Need-to-Know for New (and not-so-new) Vegetarians

You've made the switch, and that's fantastic. This is a tremendous stride forward regarding your health, your compassion for the weak and defenseless, and your impact on the environment. Understandingly, a new vegetarian faces his or her most difficult challenges in the first few weeks and months; three years in, I still catch myself discovering that foods I had considered veg-safe were well... not. Ignorance is bliss until it evaporates; after that it's just a night of vomiting.

Here's a (sort of) concise list of sometimes surprising things for the Veg to avoid:

Gelatin
Gelatin? Yes, gelatin. I would love to live in a world where titles are no longer replaced with obscure, scientific-sounding descriptions merely for the comfort of the consumer. Instead of monosodium glutamate it would read "MSG" in big, capital letters (or just plain "brain poison" would suffice), and "solidified, fattened and indigestible" in the place of hydrogenated. In the case of gelatin, it would read unequivocally: "ground up animal bones, which may or may not include horses."

Yep, gelatin is extracted from collagen. Collagen is found in skin and bones- and by bones I mean legs, feet, ribs, pelvises (pelvi?), spinal vertebrae, teeth, tails, and skulls. Here is a short list of products that contain gelatin, and remember: always (!) read the ingredients before you make purchases, and know what those ingredients mean to you, animals, the earth, and your body.

Altoids
Gummy Bears, Gummy Worms, most things Gummy (Whole Foods sells vegan alternatives)
Marshmallows (I know! I'll have to find something so that I can still make S'mores.)
Some Ice Creams (again, read the ingredients)
Some cereals (especially cheap, sugary kinds, which you shouldn't be eating anyway)
JELL-O (y'think? This includes JELL-O shots, you college kids!)
Circus Peanuts (no, not the ones you feed to squirrels and buy at baseball games- I'm referring here to the ones your dad picked up at the gas station before the air show, which you couldn't eat without picturing yourself feeding Dumbo and the two of you becoming best friends before he flaps his ears and suddenly you're flying away with the Blue Angels. That explains it, right?)
Cake (Happy Deathday, Mr. Horsey-face! Not all cakes, of course. Stipulate this to your family before the ravenously carnivorous conservatives' heads explode with confusion and dismay after you awkwardly decline a slice.)
Frosted POP-Tarts, and most frosting (unfrosted POP-Tarts are vegan, but terribly unhealthy.)
Yoplait Yogurt (And you thought were just eating a cow product.)

Rennet
Found in cheese, my friends. I know, I know- cheese is sooooo good. But it's speculated that up to 80% of cheeses made in the U.S. contain rennet, which is made when the stomachs of calves (as in baby cows) are cut into pieces and the microbial enzymes are extracted. The good news is that, while veganism is the better option, there are plenty of companies that produce rennet-free cheeses, such as Boar's Head (am I really mentioning a company with a name like that?). You can find a pretty good list here.

Other companies are not so compassionate (that is not to suggest that Boar's Head is compassionate). Here are a few to avoid:

Cheddar Cheese Goldfish (I always felt bad eating those smiling fishes anyway.)
KRAFT, including Singles, Macaroni & Cheese, and Velveeta (I found this news truly revolting, as I've been eating KRAFT Macaroni & Cheese with vegan hot dogs up until about a month ago. Oh, and KRAFT is owned by a cigarette company. Think I'll go purge now...)
Ragu Pasta Sauces
Almost all Whole Foods quality cheeses (So much for the free samples.)

Choose rennet-free cheeses. Better yet, there are some excellent vegan cheeses out there. I found one at VegFest, but the company name escapes me at the moment. I'll do some research and get back to you on that one.


Beef & chicken broth & stock
I learned recently that there are traitors in our midst, those that would call themselves comrades in vegetarianism while tolerating various broths made from dead animals. So let me set the record straight for once and for all: if any small part of your diet includes any broth or stock made from animals, you are not a vegetarian. That said, here are some places you'll find animal stock:

Campbell's Vegetable Soup (they do have a labeled vegetarian veg soup, though).
Stuffing
Top Ramen Noodles
French Dip (Jason's Deli has a great veg French Dip.)
Broccoli Cheddar soup (from Panera and most places that serve soup. In fact, always ask if the the soup is vegetarian. When they assure you that it is vegetarian, have them further specify that it is not made with any animal stock or broth. If they seem unsure or dismissive, speak with a manager. If Mr. Upper-Management can't tell you anything, or doesn't seem terribly concerned, take your business elsewhere.)

Fish
Yes, fish. Guess what, you so-called vegetarians, you fakers: fish are animals, and despite what you've heard, they can feel pain just as well as any other living creature. I would now like to take this opportunity, here on the well-read Adventures in Llamaland, to redefine pesce-vegetarianism as pure bullshit. Fish are dragged out of their natural environment, with disastrous oceanic results, terrified, writhing in suffocation- a slow, miserable way to die. Dolphins and sharks meanwhile, are dying at an incredible rate, starving as a result of the dwindling food supply and suffocating in trolling nets. Fish consumers, this is your fault. I'll expand in a future blog, but I work underwater with fish up to 5 hours a day, and I can tell you firsthand that fish are curious, intelligent beings with distinct, sometimes ferocious personalities. They vigorously protect their young and have complex social lives. Let me say it as plainly as possible: there is no thing as a fish-eating vegetarian. This includes other seafood too, including lobster, crab, clams, shrimp, conch, octopus, squid, and every other sea creature with a mom and nerve endings and a proper place and purpose in its God-given corner of the ocean.

On that rather stern note, here's what you can't eat:

Anchovies (Anchovies are a fish, dummy, along with tilapia and halibut.)
Caesar salad (Almost all Caesar dressing is made with anchovies, though LaSoya makes an excellent vegan alternative.)
Caviar (as if any of us have the budget for that. If you do, it's usually made by cutting open a pregnant sturgeon, robbing her of her eggs and leaving her to die.)
Miso Soup (Miso soup, if not made with fish broth, is almost always garnered with flakes made from fish scales.)
Roe (or the little orange eggs on Sushi. The fish is often cut open while still alive to extract these eggs.)

Vitamins
Many B vitamins are derived from animal bones and marrow. This is any easy fix, though. Visit any Whole Foods and simply check for the Vegetarian or Suitable for Vegetarians label.











I hope that this has been helpful, eductional and informative, if not too discouraging. Chances are that if you are reading this, you know me personally. In that case, don't be overwhelmed. Take me along when you go shopping and I'll walk you through it. Write and ask questions and tell me what you're struggling with. It's an almost religious experience (it was indeed a spiritual one for me), becoming vegetarian, and we all need supportive friends to help strengthen our faith as we make the transition. With that, I'll wrap this up with a nice, tired ol' cliche: If I can do it, anyone can.