take it to the blogosphere

Because verbalizing it is too heavy. Because my guitars are stowed away in their cases in my closet under toolboxes and dirty clothes and that's too much effort. Because my piano is on its side against the wall behind the couch. Because it has to come out somehow and these days I don't write enough.

I nearly broke down when the mint-chocolate chip cookies didn't mix right. I bought the Earth Balance made with olive oil when I should have just bought the regular one. I had guests but I stopped speaking. I drank my wine in defeat. Don't worry about it ....

I don't want to write anymore. I don't want to try and explain what those cookies represented to me. What was supposed to be the thick and creamy dough, now all powdery and dry, was God meeting me as an adversary. In the formless crumbles was me and in me everything I love breaking apart in my hand, sending light to my eyes interpreted by my brain transmitting signals to my hand decoded into hold on.

God laughed at me.

In some new light I'll wake up refreshed and all 'at peace' and other stupid phrases. As for tonight, on this very merry Christmas, life is cold, death is inevitable while grief is impossible, we are ants and God is a bully with a magnifying glass.

I will suffer through loss until I become it, fa la la la la, la la la la.