A Lover, a Fighter, Have All Died Inside Her

Maybe it's Explosions in the Sky's Your Hand in Mine playing in the background that's got me all feely and sentimental. I am preparing for my interview- reading up on PETA and sifting through Google results on "how to ace a phone interview". The notion of departing this place, one of many places I will have left behind, is exciting, but currently this imposing sense of sadness overwhelms me. I look around at this house and these things... I look at her and imagine being apart. I take her for granted now- it's what we all do when we've gotten used to what we enjoy in daily life- but I don't pretend, should we part ways, it will be easy for me.

My beautiful, enchanting little felines will accompany me wherever I go of course, which comforts me some. In this fresh light I can see the beauty I couldn't see before. I can see things, new colors and shapes, previously unfamiliar. I can tell when it's going to rain. The street pegs me as a hardass, swaggering pileup of occasional enthusiasm and never ending controversy. It's a hard shell, sure, but really I'm a fucking oyster. Love and hate cohabitate this tough little heart of mine; I pretend I don't miss it all- home, the band, hope, the church, Status, you, you, you, and of course: You.

But I do.

And I mourn for you. I lose sleep over you, and any sleep I do manage is haunted by you showing up my dreams.

Haunt me forever.

Oh, this guilt. Damn this guilt. Every dollar I owe, every believer manipulated, every trust betrayed (redundant, I know), every harsh word vomited into the atmosphere, forever polluting these pristine waters. I miss those waters. Warm and clear and abundant with life and possibilities, dangerous and ripe for exploration. Whatever.

I miss those first days with you on the coast. Cloudy skies and high winds and as quickly as she had disappeared, Happiness arrived unexpectedly to spend some much needed quality time there with us. These days I can hardly remember what she looks like. If memory were a friend of mine...

My heart will ache for you. For all of this. Always. And... it's good, I'm concluding.

Turns out I'm human after all.